Just so we're clear...

If any of my blog posts is tagged with the label "Mood Stuff" I encourage you to read it with an open mind...and take a grain of salt along with you.

When I'm on either extreme end of the mood spectrum, the way I think about and perceive myself, other people, events, situations, and life in general is incredibly skewed. I'm writing in the moment, but that's where those thoughts stay. They're not really me, and despite how I may be feeling at any point in time, I haven't completely lost sight of who I really am and the way things really are.

You may be asking why I bother keeping those posts up there anyway. I haven't quite figured it out, but think it's so that people can have a better understanding of what life can often be like when experienced by somebody who has mood fluctuations, whether caused by bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, dysthymia, cyclothymia, or other related conditions.

Anybody can read about any of those things in textbooks, but how often does one hear subjective perspectives from people who are living it? In my life, as a result of being fairly open about myself, I have come across people who have been recently diagnosed with an affective condition or would like to know how to support a loved one. I'm able to tell them about it, and they're able to read about it.

So right now, while I'm having a fairly stable day, let me tell you that I don't hate my life, that I do believe that there is meaning and purpose in it, and that I intend to continue pursuing God's will for it. Writing about my darker days may be a part of that:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

-2 Corinthians 1:3-5

As a counselor in training and an experienced Marie, I am in love with that verse. There are people out there who believe that Christians should never have to feel sad, anxious, depressed or fearful, because they have Christ in them. If they do happen to feel that way, then perhaps they're not really Christian, or they've sinned horribly, or they're just not prayerful or faithful enough.

I am of the belief that this is complete and utter crap. How can we encourage our brothers and sisters in Christ if nobody needs to be encouraged? How can we "be anxious for nothing" if there is nothing about which to be anxious? How can we "cast our cares on Him" if there are none to cast? How can God show us his comfort and provision if we never need it? Why do two of the Gospels have entire chapters about worry and anxiety if it should never be a part of our lives as Christ followers? To go on would be redundant and a waste of typing.

But anyway, I'm running out of battery power, and I'm off to a Bible study. Thanks for reading. =)

Random idea #1337

(This is good. I've been sitting for five minutes wondering what to blog about, and this came out of nowhere.)

Wouldn't it be cool for churches that offer their sermons online for download to put together a .zip file of sermons, notes, handouts and related media for every series that comes out? I think it would rock if I didn't have to download my files one at a time, rename them, and figure out what order they came in before I start listening.

It would have to be a separate part of a website and not a podcast, but imagine how quick and easy it would be for someone to just download one file that has every resource you would need for studying that particular series.

I'm not a pastor, nor am I in charge of the media for any particular church, but I get random ideas, and I have a blog, so here we are.

(Finally...my other pole is starting to show up!)

Blog list of stuff I need to blog about

• My latest silly/awesome idea
• Grad school life
• Life outside of grad school
• Employment enjoyment
• Making new friends
• Life List 2.0
  

On the tip of my tongue

For the past few weeks I have been engaged in conversations where a certain word would have come in very handy, but it has escaped me, and it's driving me crazy!

Maybe some of you language lovers can help me.

So if you try to explain two opposing positions, and you want to accommodate both of them...

You would say "well, I think that we can (mystery verb) the two views by..."

I'm quite sure it starts with "con-"...

...but it's not "compromise" or "consolidate".

While I'm not losing sleep over this (yet, anyway) I would love to add this word back into my vocabulary.

(Is 28 too young to be losing one's memory? Am I experiencing early-onset dementia?)

Semantic rambling

I think that the title "Finding Nemo" is a bit of a misnomer.

If the movie were to be true to its title, it would probably go something like this:

(Beginning credits)

"THERE HE IS!"

(End credits)

I would recommend christening this cinematic gem with one of the following suggested monikers:

• Searching for Nemo
• Seeking Out Nemo
• Looking for Nemo
• Where the Heck is Nemo?
• Oh My Word, Nemo is Missing!

What can I say? Insomnia is a wonderful thing. =)

Know any good hit men?

(This grew out of a random conversation at the coffeehouse, and I decided to expand upon it for this post.)

How exactly does one go about hiring a professional assassin?

I mean, they obviously can't use conventional forms of advertising. You won't find a section for "hit men" in the Yellow Pages, nor will you encounter media ads or fliers plastered all over town.

The local police would probably be suspicious of anything sporting slogans like "Need an ex out of the way? Give Spousal Snipers a call today!" or "Too lazy to kill? Contact Hit Man Phil!"

I read once that word of mouth is one of the best forms of advertisement. Could you imagine how that would go? It's not like asking one of your girlfriends to recommend a hair stylist or plumber.

What can I say? I am who I am.

It's a football Saturday and I'm studying in the library.

(Which, by the way, prompts me to ask the question: What jerk decided it was a good idea to build the library next to the football stadium?! Alright. Back to your irregularly scheduled blog post.)

The bus route to campus was on detour because of the tailgating and traffic, so I was forced to walk through the stadium area in the midst of all of the football madness in order to get to my academic oasis. It was interesting, to say the least.

Anyway, so in a month I'll be one more year closer to 30. I'm listening to Air Supply right now. My playlist is made up primarily of oldies and popular music from the 80s and 90s. A typical weekend for me now consists of getting up early, excited with the prospect of having extra time to read and do chores. Instead of going out at night I do more reading (for fun this time) and play with the cat. There are exceptions, of course, like the concerts I'll be going to in the coming weeks, but for the most part, life is safe and predictable.

I'm old, I'm boring, I love school, and I'm perfectly alright with all of it. =)

Random thoughts from a troubled heart

I'm tired of constantly having to ask people for rides. It makes me feel like a parasite rather than a friend. I hate the feeling of people being stuck with me. I wonder if they resent me, and if we would be better friends if they didn't have to drive me around like a pathetic middle school kid.

Maybe I should stop completely. I can depend solely on my feet and on public transportation so I can stop being a burden to people, even if this means I that I have to find a new church that isn't so far away or something.

I'm just fooling myself when it comes to the friends I think I have. Most of my "friends" are merely acquaintances. I don't know them as well as I would like to, and they certainly don't know me. Within any of my groups, everyone else seems to be closer to each other and I feel like an insider on the outside.

I have nothing to offer my friends. Sometimes I make them laugh, I guess, but I think I use humor as a subconscious defense mechanism. The jokes are usually self-deprecating. When people don't understand my subtle, witty jokes, I get frustrated.

Ever since I could remember I've had trouble talking to people. I always feel so different from everyone else, and I wish I could stop focusing on what we don't have in common. People intimidate me. I'm too serious and reserved for most people. Small talk annoys me. I'm not fun enough, and I'm not good at the things they like to do. It makes me feel so socially awkward and inept.

I don't always give people a chance to know me. It's like I have to constantly protect myself. Sometimes I just don't want to deal with people asking questions like "What's wrong?" that really have no answer. I can't win either way though. It's hard to open up to new people because I don't really want to deal with the explaining aspect of things.

If I don't say something about my depressive episodes, they won't understand why I feel this way. At the same time, if I do, they they'll preemptively generalize judge me by whatever they have learned in the past about bipolar disorder and mental illness in general. That scares me.

In the past, when I've tried to talk to someone, they will immediately say that none of what I'm saying is true. This sucks because it seems as if they weren't even listening to me or trying to put themselves in my shoes to understand how I feel. A lack of validation and empathy makes it not even worth it to talk to people, so most of the time I just keep things to myself. There's nothing that can be done except to wait a few days for the episode to pass.

Smells like...Holy Spirit?

At least twice this month I've had conversations with people where we eventually arrived at the topic of spirituality, and when I've mentioned that I attend Riverview, I've gotten the following interesting responses:

• "I could tell."
• "I kind of figured."
• "You seem like the type of person who goes there."

So what gives exactly? Am I emitting Riverviewish vibes? Do I give off some sort of odor reminiscent of my church? Have they been following me around? I don't have any distinguishing marks, as far as I know. Still, they saw my face, and they know I'm a believer. (Gotta have a song quote in here somewhere.)

A old friend of mine likes to say that the best testimony you can ever give someone is your own life. It's encouraging to know that people can see Christ in my actions and words.

I'm a bit curious, however, about how they're identifying me specifically as a Christian who goes to Riverview. What sort of generalizations do people make about our church? Are they postive or negative? What distinguishes us from everyone else? This is probably the highest concentration of rhetorical questions I have ever written in a single blog post. Oh well. Back to homework.

I was going to email this to a classmate, but I may as well share it with all of you.

In one of my grad classes this week, we were discussing why it is important to learn the history of our field, including the various schools of thought regarding rehabilitation and counseling. I remembered a proverb from my parents' culture that seemed quite relevant and contributed it to the discussion. Here is is:

Ang hindi marunong tumingin sa pinanggalingan ay di makakarating sa paroroonan. (He who does not look back where he came from will never get to his destination.)

You may enjoy reading more Filipino proverbs.

Go ahead. Impress me.

If I were male, I would call my website "A Boy & His Blog".

(If you can remember the NES game where that came from, you just gained about 500 cool points in Marie Land.)

Waxing poetic about the new school year

Yet another MSU Welcome Week is now upon us. Campus is no longer deserted and quiet, and Year #8 for Marie has officially started.

I was walking down Grand River today enjoying some quality people watching, including the usual herds of freshmen exploring their new surroundings, overbearing parents with concerned looks on their faces, students lugging bags full of textbooks, fresh school supplies, rolls of carpet and other necessities, pushy salespeople forcing fliers and coupons on passersby, and people in tents outside of the bookstores handing out T-shirts and other gifts in exchange for credit cards with ridiculously high rates, among other things.

I'm excited for the new students as they explore their new-found freedom and exercise it by making choices they've never before had to face. Some will be good, others not so much, but all will have important life lessons to learn. Watching them makes me reflect on my first 7 years on campus, and how much my life has changed since then. My experiences at this university have been challenging and joyful, and I look forward to more opportunities for growth.

So here's to a new year, a fresh start, and the joyful anticipation of God's plans for it all. =)

You, God, and Harry Potter (Warning: Contains spoilers!)

Part I: Scripture in the Cemetery

When Harry and Hermione visit the cemetery in Godric's Hollow, they come across the tomb of Kendra and Ariana Dumbledore, which is inscribed with the following:

Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

Later, when visiting his parents' gravesite, he sees the inscription on their tomb:

The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.

Now, while J.K. Rowling is an incredibly creative woman, she most certainly did not come up with those profound words herself. They are verses directly from the Bible, if you can believe that. The first passage is from Matthew 6:21, and the second is from 1 Corinthians 15:26.

Go ahead. Look it up. I'll wait. If you don't have a Bible, go to www.biblegateway.com.

Now, of course, the question I have in my head is whether or not Rowling knew the source of her characters' epitaphs. I don't know much about her or spiritual background.

Never mind though.

Whether or not she knew it, at this very moment, millions of people worldwide are reading her book, and their eyes will inevitably fall upon these parts. It may not be directly presented as scripture, but right now those words are etching their way into people's hearts and speaking God's truth to them. Perhaps one day they'll discover the verses in their true setting and be curious enough to study the context.

It's kind of like what Paul writes in his letter to the Philippians. Some people had been preaching about Christ for the wrong reasons, but for Paul, it was enough that His name was being mentioned at all.

Part II: I know exactly how he feels.

In a moment of exasperation, Harry vents about the mission Dumbledore had left him and his frustration that it isn't easy to figure out:

"Risk your life, Harry! And again! And again and don't expect me to explain everything; just trust me blindly, trust that I know what I'm doing, trust me even though I don't trust you! Never the whole truth! Never!"

I doubt I need to go into great detail about this. The relationship between Harry and Dumbledore is like our relationship with God. We have a mission. We've been warned that it won't be easy, and we've been equipped with all of the tools and knowledge that we need. It's just not out in the open. God's not going to spoon feed us. We need to trust him and to seek him out, because we're not going to know the truth until we see him.

Part III: God distributes gifts to each individual according to his will.

When Harry, Ron and Hermione receive the items that Dumbledore has left them in his will, they're not too excited at first. After all, how would a lighter, a book and a discarded game ball help them defeat the Dark Lord? They were expecting gifts with a little more oomph and more obvious applications.

Despite the first four letters of his name spelling it out, Dumbledore is not dumb. He hand-picked the gifts he left to his students, taking into consideration their personalities, talents and circumstances. When it came down to it, they finally realized how they could use them in their quest, rather than desire other gifts to use.

Yep. Definitely has applications in our lives too. Read 1 Corinthians 12.

Go ahead. I already gave you a URL. I'll wait for you.

I've been searching for meaning where I'll never find it.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with desiring the things in this world. Everybody longs for someone or something to make their lives worth living.

• Friends
• Romance
• Jobs
• Power
• Success
• Status
• Other stuff

None of these are bad in and of themselves. However, if they're the only things you're pursuing, expect yourself to feel just as empty even when you do end up obtaining them. They may have temporary superficial gains, but that inevitably fades away.

Nothing in life can be fully enjoyed apart from the God who created them.

I'm not typing this to preach to anyone in particular. This is for me, as I have recently become guilty of the above. These things usually sink in better for me when I write them out, type them out, or tell them to a friend.

I think I'll give Ecclesiastes another read tonight.

Questions people have asked me about God stuff that I couldn't completely answer, Part I

• Why do people always pray for sick loved ones to be healed? What if God's will is for them to leave this world? Shouldn't we be praying instead for God to do what he will do and for us to accept it if we can't understand it?
• Which parts of the Old Testament, if any, are still valid after the whole Jesus thing? (Sorry Noel; still need to finish up the rest of your series on Mosaic law; otherwise this question might not have been up here!)
  
• I've been taught that we will be accountable to God for all of our actions. What about the things we do that we're not in control of? For example, what if someone is mentally ill and experiencing delusions and hallucinations that are not causing them to think clearly? Should they be held responsible when they in fact weren't being themselves?
  

(I'm sure I'll remember more later.)

Challenging...(for lack of a better title)

A few days ago, a man who attends my parents' church was arrested for inappropriately touching young boys, most recently at the church Memorial Day picnic. This man was highly involved at the church and served on both the worship team and in the children's ministry, among other things. I'm friends with his kids and wife. It's all really confusing and I'm still trying to process it all.

I know that a lot of people feel hurt, angry, deceived, scared, and so forth. Some parents will probably pull their kids out of the children's ministry. Some families will probably leave the church entirely. I come from a small town, so you can bet that people are talking like crazy. I can't even begin to imagine what his family is going through.

This reminds me of something though. Too many people think that Christians are perfect. That couldn't be farther from the truth. We aren't perfect. We face the same temptations and trials as everyone else. If anything, I think we almost have it worse. It seems that the closer we try to get to God, the more the enemy wants to pull us away, and the more crap he brings into our lives. I've noticed this happening in several of my friends' lives as well as in my own.

At any rate, if you feel led to, please feel free to pray for my parents' church, the man and his family, my hometown, and everyone else affected by this situation.

God is dangling opportunity in front of me like a worm in front of a fish.

GCM, an organization of which my church is a part, is looking for primary and secondary school teachers to work in Honduras for a year with Iglesia Gran Comision. With my background in education and Spanish along with my love for kids and missions, it's something that I would definitely love to do. After all, I'm finished with school, healthy, stable, and single, so this would be the perfect time for something like this. However, I'm still planning to go to grad school, I'm developing friendships here, and I'm pretty comfortable with my life now. There's a lot keeping me here. I haven't seriously looked into the logistics of it all, and I haven't committed it to prayer yet, so rather than discerning an answer from God, it's still all speculation. Discernment is something I am working towards but still suck at. If you happen to know of any good resources in the form of books, sermons, scriptures, articles, and the like, please direct me towards them.

Productivity in Proverbs and other fun stuff too

Yesterday I wrote about how I decided to stop waiting around for things in my life to happen and instead to enjoy my life for what it is today. I did some reading yesterday and have some related
verses and excerpts I would like to share with you.

The book of Proverbs talks a lot about diligence versus laziness:

6:6-11
Go to the ant, you sluggard!
Consider her ways and be wise;
Which, having no captain,
Overseer or ruler,
Provides her supplies in the summer,
And gathers her food in the harvest.
How long will you slumber, O sluggard?
When will you rise from your sleep?
A little sleep, a little slumber,
A little folding of the hands to sleep -
So shall your poverty come on you like a growler,
And your need like an armed man.

10:4
He who has a slack hand becomes poor,
But the hand of the diligent makes rich.

10:5
He who gathers in summer is a wise son;
He who sleeps in harvest is a son who causes shame.

12:24
The hand of the diligent will rule,
But the lazy man will be put to forced labor.

12:27
The lazy man does not roast what he took in hunting,
But diligence is man's precious possession.

13:4
The soul of a lazy man desires, and has nothing;
But the soul of the diligent shall be made rich.

18:9
He who is slothful in his work
Is a brother to him who is a great destroyer.

19:15
Laziness casts one into a deep sleep,
And an idle person will suffer hunger.

19:24
A lazy man buries his head in the bowl,
And will not so much as bring it to his mouth again.

20:4
The lazy man will not plow because of winter;
He will beg during harvest and have nothing.

20:13
Do not love sleep, lest you come to poverty;
Open your eyes, and you will be satisfied with bread.

21:5
The plans of the diligent lead surely to plenty,
But those of everyone who is hasty, surely to poverty.

22:29
Do you see a man who excels in his work?
He will stand before kings;
He will not stand before unknown men.

I've also been reading a book called Lady in Waiting, which has a chapter about being diligent:

She must be diligent to use her single time wisely now. She has more control over her time and choices now than she will probably ever have again.

Life is satisfying only when you diligently serve the Lord, whatever your circumstances.

If you love serving Jesus, please do not waste any of the free time you have. Do not consider yourself too unhappy to help anyone else. Self-centeredness will rob you of the joy of serving.

It mentions these verses:

1 Corinthians 15:58
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

Ephesians 5:15-17
Be very careful then, how you live; not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.

And cites this quote by John Fischer:

God has called me to live now. He wants me to realize my full potential as a man right now, to be thankful about where I am, and to enjoy it to the fullest.

I reflect on these more later. Right now I'm going to play Magic with Steve. =)

So I worship a decorative vegetable now?

Sometimes when I pray, I say Lord.

Sometimes when I pray, I say God.

Sometimes when I pray, I mix them up and say Gord.

Am I the only one this ever happens to?

Praying for patience

I'm still on the hunt for a job.

Please pray for me as I continue my never-ending struggle with patience in that and all other areas of my life.

I need to trust God and to seek him while I'm waiting, rather than try to find a quick solution to things.

After all, this is time I've been blessed with, and it shouldn't be wasted. Think of how many people out there would give anything for an extra day of life. It makes me feel selfish that I've been taking my spare days for granted.

The book of Proverbs is replete with verses about slacking off and being diligent. I think I'll look over it tonight, commit some of them to memory, and add them to this blog in the next couple of days.

I'm probably not the only one struggling with using my time effectively.

God, here I am in East Lansing for the next three days, unemployed, with plenty of time, and I don't want to waste it! Grant me opportunities to use my time. Show me ways in which I can serve others, and reveal yourself to me as I spend time reading your Word.

If you spend all of your time waiting for things in your life to happen, then you're missing a heck of a lot of living.