(a.k.a. What Remus Lupin and I have in common)
Have you ever been in a position where you feel obligated to protect the people you love from something in your life? You do it because you care deeply about them, and it would break your heart to see them get hurt. You would rather suffer yourself than see other people bear that burden.
They may protest and assert that they want to face it with you no matter what comes of it, because they want to help you. However, you strongly insist that they don't get caught up in it and that it's better off for everybody involved if you stayed away from them.
I have been blessed with this curse. This happens to me on a regular basis. Though my medication has kept me stable enough to get through life, sometimes it just doesn't work. I have a regular cycle of stability alternating with nearly unbearable mood episodes every four to six weeks.
If it's depression, I'll cry and feel sad and anxious for no reason. Everything people say and do I start to take personally, which makes it worse. I start to feel uncomfortable and unsure of myself in social situations, and eventually I'll shut down completely.
Satan totally takes advantage of the fact that my defenses are down. When I'm not confident that I am the person that God created me to be, that's the perfect time for him to put lies in my head, and he knows it. So it starts out as a biological thing and is affected by environmental factors, and then I'm completely susceptible to spiritual attacks. Not happy at all.
Though they are usually of the depressive variety, sometimes I get mixed episodes, which involve the standard depressive symptoms of despair, anxiety, and hopelessness, combined with the impulsivity, irritability, and irrational thinking of mania.
This is actually the most dangerous symptom of bipolar disorder, because you don't care about your life and you are very likely to make poor, extreme, and often dangerous decisions (many suicides have happened during mixed episodes, for example). You're apathethic about the consequences of your behavior, and as a result, many people get hurt in the process. I usually end up saying and doing things that I need to apologize for later. Picking up the pieces in the aftermath of an episode is one of the hardest things in the world.
When people see me sad and crying, it's their natural inclination to ask what is wrong and what they can do. People want to help, and that is what they know. Not being able to give them an answer can be very frustrating. It's not simply enough to say that your brain chemistry makes you feel emotions without causation, especially if people don't understand how mental illness works, and most especially if they don't think that I have it.
When I don't respond, refuse their offers, or isolate myself, it seems to most people like I'm trying to push them away. That's the furthest thing from the truth. I appreciate their offers to help, but being around people when I'm feeling this way makes me feel more anxious and usually exacerbates the situation.
I don't need sympathy or advice, and I don't need scripture quoted to me or anything of that sort. I love God and I believe the Bible, and I've read the passages most people use hundreds of times. I truly believe them and that I am not a horrible waste of a human life. It's my mind that's messed up, but God owns my heart, and despite how I feel or what I may say, I don't give in to the lies. I just need to wait for the storm to pass.
It's a very natural thing for people, especially men, to immediately seek a way to solve a problem, but this one has no solution. The best way to help me is to spend time with me, don't ask questions, hand me a kleenex, give me a hug, or involve me in something fun. Understand that I'm feeling sad and that nothing you can say can make it go away. If you can't do that, then it's better off to leave me alone.
It's for your own good. I hate the person I become and the fact that I can't control myself when I'm feeling that way. It's a real-life Jekyll and Hyde situation. It's also very much like the life of a werewolf. When that full moon appears, he is no longer a man but a monster, and until he returns to his human form, he is uncontrollable and dangerous to the people in his life. There have been too many times where people have abandoned me because they couldn't handle me.
I love my friends, but I'm scared of getting too close to them. If one day something happens that screws everything up, I'll lose them too. If I need to avoid the world for a day or two, it's because I value my relationships with you, and I don't want to be alone in the long run. I'm trying to protect you from me and I won't let you be exposed to me no matter what you say. I'm alright 90% of the time, but most of the people I've met don't know what to do with the other 10%. In earlier times, they kept people like me locked up. Sometimes I choose to do so, for the greater good.
Prayer isn't necessary. Feelings pass. Sure, you could try praying for healing, but I am fully convinced that God chooses not to heal in my case. I'm not falling away from God at all. All of that stuff about Christians never needing to feel sad or angry because God is in their lives, and that the presence of negativity means that I'm sinning or not being faithful, is complete crap. Implying that I am doesn't help me at all.
Despite the occasional periods of despair, my diagnosis has brought about many great things. I am highly creative, highly motivated, ambitious, and intensely sensitive. I have experienced most things at a much deeper level that everybody else. I am able to help and encourage people who have been in my situation. Most of all, I have learned to trust God. Some of my greatest spiritual moments have happened while I was bouncing back from an episode.
For these reasons and more, it is worth the suffering, since I am able to make a difference in this world. I'm usually back to my old self in a day or two. Call, visit or email to check in if you wish, but don't take it personally if I don't respond until I'm ready to face the world again. Take care and God bless.
