Guarding your heart, Part 4: Helping each other out & getting along

(A blog post from Stephen C.)

Why does having a relationship have to be mutually exclusive from the rest of what you want for your life? Why does it have to detract from the time/energy you spend doing the other things that matter to you?

From my experience, IT DOESN'T!!!!!!!

The best relationships I have ever encountered have always revolved around HELPING EACH OTHER OUT. That strictly means making everything else about each other's lives better. If you want to be a standup comic, your partner should be the first one to help you with your jokes. If you want to lead a bible study, your partner should be the first to read your lesson plan. If you have homework to do, your partner should be the first one to make you sit down and do it without allowing any distractions. Your life partner should be someone who makes you do what's right for you, especially when you won't do those things yourself.

I think the reason people tend to not have this in their own relationships is because people are going about their relationships the wrong way. They make it about what's best for themselves, instead of what's best for their partner. It goes from helping each other achieve the other's goals to forcing their partner to have to MEET THEIR EXPECTATIONS. It's not fair to the partner, but that's the way it always seems to play out. Now given, relationships have to work two ways, but it's up to you to find a partner who is able to do that.

So what's the answer? Well, the first thing is that you need to have family and friends there for accountability. It can also be a good idea for you to have a professional or pastoral counselor to talk to. A lot of people have an issue with pride and don't see why these outside sources can be helpful. These sources are there for secondary forms of communication and can be vital to the success of a relationship.

The two most common reasons for separation are money and bad communication. If you are a genuine Christian, you shouldn't be worried about money, so that eliminates one problem. Bad communication is a much harder problem to solve. A lot of people take very dangerous approaches to communicating that can be self-destructive in a relationship. The most common one is treating every conversation like it is either a problem to solve or a debate to win. However, it's hard not to get caught up in this when you have a partner who only shares problems with you, and does not share joys.

What ever happened to being friends???????????

Just because you have a serious relationship doesn't mean you can't be friends! Sometimes I admire the “hippie tramps” who wander around life aimlessly from place to place. They always seem to have an eye on what's important in relationships. It's not about conflict and resolution, it's about experiencing life together! I wish there was a way to combine experiencing life with achieving goals and have it all work out. I guess it would have to start with lower expectations / reasonable goals.

“If you don't expect to much from me, you might not be let down.” -Gin Blossoms

Note from Marie: I would have linked to this, but in order to view it, you need a Facebook account, which I know not all of you have.

Guarding your heart, Part 3: Discernment & emotional maturity

(A blog post from Stephen C.)

The one justification I have grown the most tired of hearing from people on a regular basis is the “God wants me to” rationale. That's not to say that it is never a good rationale because it 100% can be, it's just that it is the MOST COMMONLY OVERUSED AND MISCONSTRUING WAY OF THINKING THERE IS!
I have never seen anything take people's lives further down the wrong path than misinterpreting God's will for them. Before you get any more upset with me for saying this, let me give you an example:

A girl at my old church was 115 credits into her biology degree. This was June, and she had been planning on taking her final two classes in August. That was until she showed up to bible study with a revelation:

“God wants me to change my major.”

She went on for twenty minutes about how God wanted her to dedicate her life to helping people, so she was now going to pursue a degree in psychology. She said that God had given her a gift in revelation to be able to see her life's path and purpose so clearly, and she was very excited to soon be starting her new curriculum. I asked her at the time why she didn't just finish her degree and take some extra time to think about this decision, but she was completely convinced in her own mind and gave me a long sales pitch about it. This is a very common trait with the “God inspired”...... a complete unwillingness to listen to anyone!!!

So fast forward to December of that year. I hadn't seen her for about six months, and I asked her how her psychology studies were coming along. She replied “Oh, now I'm doing interior decorating!”


It scares me to see how closed-minded people can get when they become convinced they have all of God's answers. They apply this thinking to the most vital issues of their lives. To be honest, I see this trait much more in women than I do in men. They become followers of their feelings, and their feelings become “God's will” for them. The worst part about it is that when you try to help them, they don't respond well. “It's my life, don't tell me how to live it. You're not allowed to question what 'God' wants, Stephen!”
(I think of my ex-girlfriend when I talk about this.)

Being overconfident / over assured about your perspective / beliefs / life decisions is a sign of emotional immaturity, AKA being childish. The people who read this note are mostly somewhere in the transition period between being a child and a 100% independent functioning adult. We all have a tendency to mix adulthood with child-like behavior. The first step in growing is being able to recognize the difference between the two. Adults don't live their lives believing that they know everything.
“Those who acknowledge knowledge acknowledge their own ignorance.”
- Aristotle

I have had five or six people talk with me recently about their dating lives as examples of not knowing where they stand as far as maturity / discernment. Here is my take on that:

The emotionally immature woman is someone who could have the best thing that could ever happen to her standing right in front of her face, and without a moment of thought be able to outright reject it.

She is too busy chasing after the guy in the pink shirt.

Who is the guy in the pink shirt? I made him up, but he is the prototype of what the emotionally immature woman chases after:

The guy in the pink shirt makes a quirky joke in front of the girls while wearing a pink shirt. He loves attention, and he is very entertaining. He is great at always making a joke out of everything, right up until he gets indignant brat anger about something. He wants to have deep discussions, but he tends to be too complacent for them to fully develop. He wants to seem wise and intellectual but is generally too down to earth and too caught up in his OWN reality. He is very energetic and willingly confrontational if need be. He is jealous and territorial due to his insecurity. He claims to put “bros before hos” but would sell out his best friend if it would make the right girl like him more.

He is bold enough to say anything at any time, and that's what you love about him. He always has an air of mystery, but part of that is the reality that he is not man enough to allow you to understand what he is hiding from.

He has no interest in you whatsoever.

He doesn't have enough testosterone or self confidence to be able to love someone or truly appreciate them. His wants to find the meanest girl with the highest social status. If he can make her submit to him, then he has achieved victory. When it's all said and done, the one thing he loves more than anything is flattering himself. When he runs out of mean girl prospects, he resorts to momentary security as a backup plan. He resorts to you.

The sad thing is before I grew up and became a man, I used to be a lot like that guy. I got a lot of girls that way. Now as a man, I simmer in my frustration, and I wait patiently for women to catch up. The problem is right about the time a man grows up and acts like a man (when it's possible), the women have grown into bitterness over the guy in the pink shirt. Even as an adult they still fight the bitterness. In a way, we've both missed the boat.

So let's review....

Step one... women incorporate “God” into their fickle, superficial, and somewhat sadist sex drives.
Step two... they turn down every offer from every guy who is actually worth the investment.
Step three... they chase after the guy in the pink shirt, and if they are lucky enough to snag him, he still inevitably breaks their heart. He leaves you for your best friend and doesn't even feel sorry about it.
Step four... the women get bitter about him.


My conclusion:

I am part of the school of thought that says when you talk about God's will without truly knowing it, you are undermining God, and when you undermine God, that is blasphemy. There is a lot of temptation in the world, and you need to recognize that it wants to disguise itself as God-inspired.

For what it's worth, the best sexual fulfillment comes from someone you are NOT lusting after...... and someone you have NOT put on a pedestal.

For the guys....
Earlier tonight, my buddy was talking about how “beautiful” this girl was. She happened to be very physically attractive, and his case about the rest of her has never been very convincing to me. I told him the greatest gift he could ever give himself is to be able to see someone who is not so pleasing on the outside, recognize her similarities to this other girl, and then see that he could be JUST as attracted to that other woman if he would just let go of insecurity and be a man. When I used to be in the fraternity at MSU, I discovered that it was just as physically gratifying, if not more, to be with a woman who isn't universally sought after because of her outer beauty. Another way of putting it.... everyone looks the same when the lights go out!!! :)

For the ladies...
Marie hooked me up with an excellent book for women about how to do things the right way for yourself.

Check out this chart thingemajingy:

Virtuous Woman:--------------------

------Body Beautiful Woman:

attracts all people.......................only nice when it helps her dating status
seeks God first............................ seeks people first
interesting / has personal goals........“shopping” for a husband
becoming what God wants...............waiting to be found
realistic..................................... lives in a fantasy world
interested in the person................. interested in a future in that person
spiritually challenging......................wants sensuality
gives friendship............................expects friendship
verbally communicating....................wallflower
committed to trusting God................cinging to a guy
open to other friendships.................possessive
secure in the Lord......................... insecure without a “dream man”
builds positive qualities in yourself.......wanting him NOW
trusting in God..............................trusting in schemes to catch a man
patiently waiting............................on the hunt

How are you rating? Are you being honest with yourself??


Gal 5:19-21 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Gal 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Note from Marie: I would have linked to this, but in order to view it, you need a Facebook account, which I know not all of you have.

Another note from Marie: If you're curious, the book is "Lady in Waiting" by Debbie Jones & Jackie Kendall, and it is hands down the best book on Biblical dating & relationships that I have ever read. I would love to lead a small group study on it one of these days. So, in conclusion, read it. It's well worth your time, even if you're not a woman.

Getting silly with scripture

I was able to walk around my dad's office during Take Your Daughter to Work Day. When somebody asked what I was doing, I told him "I am going about my father's business".

When my favorite waitress at the restaurant I frequent asked how I would like my steak cooked, I told her, "Well done, my good and faithful server".

Strengthening friendships

I found these notes while flipping through my journal. They were written during an unspecified women's retreat.

• Be content with the friends that you have.
• Loneliness is part of the journey. Think of it as a chance to spend more time with God.
• When you have problems in your relationships, pray about them instead of pullng away.
• Be wise with your mouth and ears.
• Don't be serious all of the time.
• Be willing to endure tough times.
• Build unity in your relationships through Christ.
• Be filled with the Holy Spirit.

Guarding your heart, Part 2: Emotional Intelligence

(A blog post from Stephen C.)

This is a follow-up to Steve's last post about God-centered dating. For this one, we actually teamed up and threw some ideas around for several hours, so what follows is the result of our brainstorming and his awesome writing.

"Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, and for the right purpose - that is not easy."
-Aristotle

Aristotle's quote is what constitutes emotional intelligence. You can just as easily replace the word "angry" with the word "love" or any other emotion and it will still fit. To me, high emotional intelligence is the most important and attractive quality you can find in another person. I would say faith is number one except to me, it is a part of emotional intelligence. A truly faithful individual knows how to have emotional integrity / intelligence.

If you don't recognize what emotional intelligence has to do with faith, there are a million bible quotes about it. The best one is found in the third chapter of Ecclesiastes.

Ecc 3:1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
Ecc 3:2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
Ecc 3:3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
Ecc 3:4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecc 3:5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
Ecc 3:6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
Ecc 3:7 a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
Ecc 3:8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

and later...

Ecc 3:17 I said in my heart, God will judge the righteous and the wicked, for there is a time for every matter and for every work.

What this is also indirectly saying is that poor timing compromises integrity / God's will. In my experience, for every person who has trouble opening up to people, you will probably find two who have a problem with opening up too soon. Both problems would be considered emotionally unintelligent. The key to a healthy life finding a healthy compromise.

You have to learn how to guard your heart and follow it at the same time!

Even sexually inexperienced people usually have some concept about the destructive power of physicality in relationships. Giving your body up too soon is a perfect way to destroy a healthy relationship. What most people don't see is that being emotionally intimate too soon is equally destructive. Not only does it put an unfair amount of pressure on the other person, but it also severely damages how they will perceive you. It makes you seem needy or less respectable when you take your most valuable emotions and expose them to someone who should not yet have earned your trust. In a way, it makes your emotions seem less valuable, and people will have less respect for you because of it.

On top of that, premature trust is just plain dangerous! As I said in my last note, it takes time to be able to understand a person's character. Would you really want to trust intimate things in your life to a person if they didn't have good character?

My mom once told me, people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. I would add that you should not care too much for people you don't know, because you have to know first that they are going to be worth the emotional investment. It's okay to care, just don't get caught up in caring too much.

So that's one side of the coin, but here's the other side:

Women in our society are raised to think that men want someone who "plays hard to get" and isn't "too accessible." That belief is centered around the idea of guarding your heart, but some women take it too far. For one thing, a reasonable man has to draw the line at some point as to what he is willing to put up with in pursuit of a woman. If you go out of your way to make things unnecessarily difficult, then it's not unreasonable for a man to give up. In a sense, you will be setting yourself up for the guy who comes on super strong and won't take no for an answer. This type of stubborn behavior usually equates with neediness. Most women go through a phase in life where they want a guy who is needy and persistent in this way, but then when they end up with one they realize how awful it is. At first they think it is cute to see a guy jumping through hoops for them, but then they realize that you can just as easily train a monkey to jump through hoops, so it's really not attractive and the man loses their respect. I don't think it's possible to have a good relationship with someone you don't respect. :)

So yeah, you don't want to close yourself off too much, as it will damage your social and spiritual life. If you ask me, it's better for a woman to know what she wants and not be afraid to go after it, just as long as she is not willing to compromise her integrity for it. If you are afraid to go after what you want, or if you don't let ANYBODY in, you will end up missing out on healthy opportunities for your life.

I had one other fun little theory that I have had to argue with numerous people in the past. That's why I saved it 'til the end. :)

Here it is:

YOU CAN'T TRULY LOVE SOMEONE ELSE WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART UNTIL YOU CAN LOVE/ACCEPT YOURSELF.

The reason behind this is that when the other person needs you, you won't be fully emotionally available to them. You will always be somehow caught up in your own issues if you don't love yourself, and the rationale behind your actions will not always be fair in respect to the other person. In order to have integrity you must also have humility. In order to have humility you must have some degree of self-acceptance. People who don't value themselves will manifest it as a mix between obvious self-hatred and the occasional attempt at fake narcissistic behavior. Insecure people love to try to reassure everyone about how secure they are and how they've got everything figured out.

In a way, the core of all loving relationships is just positivity. Love God with all of your heart and don't run away from the people you have a comfortable passion for. When it comes time to pick a husband or wife, be sure you pick someone who is a friend in addition to being a lover. Find someone who appreciates the unique things about you and who lifts you up and makes you be a better person. Find someone who makes you feel happy. Don't worry about playing games with them. If it's meant to be it should work out naturally!

Be sure you find someone who lives a life of faith and is emotionally intelligent. Then have an approach that since time is on your side, there is never a need to rush things. If you need a reminder about that, read my last note. There will be a time and place for everything you will share together, so be patient and remember Ecclesiastes!!!! :)

Thanks for reading!

Note from Marie: I would have linked to this, but in order to view it, you need a Facebook account, which I know not all of you have.

Guarding your heart, Part 1: God-centered dating

(A blog post from Stephen C.)

It's interesting how I can go through life constantly calling on God, and occasionally feeling doubts about whether or not he actually gives his blessing over the things I get involved with. Just when I start to give up, he will interject himself into situations in miraculous ways.

It seems like everyone has concerns about God-centered relationships and guarding their heart. It is definitely difficult and it takes a lot of wisdom to handle the situations life is constantly putting before us.

Because of my past experience, I feel that I have some relevant ideas to contribute, even if I don't always live by them. That being said, I do believe that when the time is right, I will be able to do things the right way in my life. I have everyday struggles like anyone else, but I also believe I have wisdom that will allow me to overcome them with God's help.

As far as relationships are concerned, if you are getting emotionally involved with a person who doesn't have God-centeredness as a goal, then you are NOT guarding your heart. That being said, how do you know if someone's approach is God-centered or not?

If you ask anybody what attracts them to a person, you will almost always hear superficial answers. I am attracted to the way he/she looks or acts. When you talk about what makes a good husband/wife, it's mostly about character issues that exist below the surface.

It's important to recognize that being attracted to a person DOESN'T necessarily make it right for you to pursue them.

It's easy to manipulate feelings, and it's easy to manipulate people who are always acting based on them. You want to be in a dating situation where you help each other to grow on a spiritual level. You want to know what kind of character someone has before you get involved with them. It definitely takes a lot of time to get a grip on that. You can't judge someone's character in one day.

I have always said that when you are doing things the wrong way, time seems to always be working against you. Has it been long enough? Is there enough time? When should this happen?

When you are doing things the right way, time becomes your best friend. Everything grows better with time. My best relationships were the kind where fights would help us grow and bring us closer. You will always be learning about your partner right up until the day you die, so make time your ally! Healthy relationships always have a NATURAL progression to them that time and distance shouldn't affect.

I have never felt comfortable with people who say “as a Christian, I am not looking to date someone. I am looking for someone who will be a future marriage partner.” They say that, but then they go around social events looking for people to meet just like any normal dater. The problem with this approach is it is usually too much too soon. It puts too much pressure on people you are interested in. If you are serious about marriage, you need to know someone for a long time as a friend before you can consider skipping the dating phase. If you haven't known someone for years, then just date like a normal person and simply clarify your intention to not be sexual until marriage and that you are not willing to compromise on that. If they really care about you they will respect it. If they are not man/woman enough to handle it, they are not man/woman enough to be a good husband/wife.

It seems intuitive to say that there is some degree of compromise between figuring out what you are looking for (and in the process making mistakes and going through hurt), and maintaining your purity. I don't always agree with this logic because to some degree we are born knowing what we are looking for (even if we don't always listen to it in our hearts) and God's intentions can be made clear if you are being spiritually healthy.

Not only that but also PURITY is something that CAN AND SHOULD be practiced in the process of getting relationship experience by DATING. It just takes two parties who have the same goals and are willing to help each other out.

One more thing....

I read Plato's Love Symposium years ago, and I won't forget my favorite line. Socrates was trying to define what love actually is, and in the process he said that TRUE LOVE IS NOT POSSESSIVE!

That means that when you love someone, you should not feel threatened by other people who take interest. Your main concern should be their happiness. As I said before, if you are meant to be, things should have a natural progression to them, and competition is a healthy thing. Sometimes it can even be beneficial to the process of them being able to CHOOSE you. What does it prove if you don't give them a choice? I used to think I was in love with someone back when I was in high school, and I decided that I was going to wait forever if need be for the right time when I knew it would work out. It took her six months, with one serious relationship ending and two lame ones coming and going for her to stumble over me as the answer. If I hadn't waited, it wouldn't have worked out the way it was meant to.

I guess my final thought is that God gives us the free will to choose how we spend our time and who we spend it with. That being said, I believe he gives us blessings according to following what's right and what is in his favor. We reap the rewards of choosing what lifts him up and we reap the consequences of choosing to follow our own ways.

Don't put your feelings before him or before what you want for your life. Guarding your heart means guarding your integrity. It doesn't mean closing yourself off from people, but it doesn't mean selling out to frustrations. God's love is better than settling for anything else.

2Cor 12:9
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

extra extra last thought:

EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE LOVED!

Note from Marie: I would have linked to this, but in order to view it, you need a Facebook account, which I know not all of you have.

The old man & the white horse

There was an old man who lived in a tiny village. Although poor, he was envied by all for the beautiful white horse he owned. Even the king coveted his treasure. People offered fabulous prices for the steed, but the old man always refused. "This horse is not a horse to me," he would tell them. "It is a person. How could you sell a person? He is a friend, not a possession. How could you sell a friend?" The man was poor and the temptation was great, but he never sold the horse.

One morning the horse was missing from the stable. All the village came to see the old man. "You old fool," they scoffed. "We told you that someone would steal your horse. You are so poor. How could you ever hope to protect such a valuable animal? It would have been better to have sold him. You could have gotten whatever price you wanted. Now the horse is gone, and you've been cursed with misfortune."

The old man responded, "Don't speak too quickly. Say only that the horse is not in the stable. That is all we know; the rest is judgment. How can you know if I've been cursed or not? How can you judge?"

The people contested, "Don't make us out to be fools! We may not be philosophers, but great philosophy is not needed to know what's happened here. The fact that your horse is gone is a curse."

The old man spoke again. "All I know is that the stable is empty and the horse is gone. Then rest I don't know. Whether it is a curse or blessing I can't say. All we can see is a fragment. Who can say what will come next?"

The people of the village laughed. They had always thought the man to be a fool; if he weren't, he would have sold the horse and lived off of the money. Instead, he was a poor woodcutter, living hand to mouth in the misery of poverty. Now had had proven that he was, indeed, a fool.

After fifteen days, the horse returned. He hadn't been stolen; he had run away into the forest. Not only had he returned; he had brought a dozen wild horses with him. Once again the village people gathered around the woodcutter and spoke, "Old man, you were right and we were wrong. What we thought was a curse was a blessing. Please forgive us."

The man responded, "Again, you go too far. Say only that they horse is back. State only that a dozen horses returned with him, but don't judge. How do you know if this is a blessing or not? You see only a fragment. Unless you know the whole story, how can you judge? If you read only one page, how can you judge the whole book? All you have is a fragment! Don't say that this is a blessing. No one knows. I am content with what I know. I am not perturbed by what I don't know."

"Maybe the old man is right," they said. But down deep they believed he was wrong. They knew it was a blessing. Twelve wild horses had returned with one horse. With a little bit of work, the animals could be broken and trained and sold for much money.

The old man had a son, an only son. They young man began to break the wild horses. AFter a few days, he fell from one of the horses and broke both legs. Once again the villagers gathered around the old man and cast their judgments.

"You were right," they said. "The dozen horses were not a blessing. They were a curse. Your only son has broken his legs, and now in your old age you have no one to help you. Now you are poorer than ever."

The old man spoke again, "Don't go so far in your judgments. Say only that my son broke his legs. WHo knows if it is a blessing or a curse? No one knows. We only have a fragment of the whole."

A few weeks later the country engaged in war against a neighboring country. All the young men of the village were required to join the army. Only the son of the old man was excluded because he was injured. The enemy was strong and the people feared they would never see their sons again. Once again, they gathered around the old man, crying and screaming because their sons had been taken. "You were right, old man," they wept. "God knows you were right. This proves it. Your son's accident was a blessing. His legs may be broken, but at least he is with you. Our sons are gone forever."

The old man spoke again, "Why do you always draw conclusions? No one knows. Say only this: Your sons went to war, and mine did not. No one is wise enough to know if it is a blessing or a curse. Only God knows."

(This story is from a book I studied with a women's group at church. I hope you enjoy it!)

Just so we're clear...

If any of my blog posts is tagged with the label "Mood Stuff" I encourage you to read it with an open mind...and take a grain of salt along with you.

When I'm on either extreme end of the mood spectrum, the way I think about and perceive myself, other people, events, situations, and life in general is incredibly skewed. I'm writing in the moment, but that's where those thoughts stay. They're not really me, and despite how I may be feeling at any point in time, I haven't completely lost sight of who I really am and the way things really are.

You may be asking why I bother keeping those posts up there anyway. I haven't quite figured it out, but think it's so that people can have a better understanding of what life can often be like when experienced by somebody who has mood fluctuations, whether caused by bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety disorder, dysthymia, cyclothymia, or other related conditions.

Anybody can read about any of those things in textbooks, but how often does one hear subjective perspectives from people who are living it? In my life, as a result of being fairly open about myself, I have come across people who have been recently diagnosed with an affective condition or would like to know how to support a loved one. I'm able to tell them about it, and they're able to read about it.

So right now, while I'm having a fairly stable day, let me tell you that I don't hate my life, that I do believe that there is meaning and purpose in it, and that I intend to continue pursuing God's will for it. Writing about my darker days may be a part of that:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

-2 Corinthians 1:3-5

As a counselor in training and an experienced Marie, I am in love with that verse. There are people out there who believe that Christians should never have to feel sad, anxious, depressed or fearful, because they have Christ in them. If they do happen to feel that way, then perhaps they're not really Christian, or they've sinned horribly, or they're just not prayerful or faithful enough.

I am of the belief that this is complete and utter crap. How can we encourage our brothers and sisters in Christ if nobody needs to be encouraged? How can we "be anxious for nothing" if there is nothing about which to be anxious? How can we "cast our cares on Him" if there are none to cast? How can God show us his comfort and provision if we never need it? Why do two of the Gospels have entire chapters about worry and anxiety if it should never be a part of our lives as Christ followers? To go on would be redundant and a waste of typing.

But anyway, I'm running out of battery power, and I'm off to a Bible study. Thanks for reading. =)

The Prideful Pastor

This was a poem written by my good friend Steve.

The Prideful Pastor
by Stephen Carter

Talk at me and talk me down
that'll solve the problem
You're really playing games with me?
I think that you're a monster

so much bitterness
but I don't want to feel hate
I guess unlike yourself
I am one to communicate

You spoiled for me the tenderest moment of my life
I don't see how apologies could ever make that right.
I won't get a second chance
so I don't see why you should
I'd let the meek inherit the earth
but I don't know if you could

How could a man of God ever be so condescending?
Your lack of empathy just shows me that you're empty.

I could feel sickness flowing through you
Do you really think that all of God's works are only through you?

The more I think about you
the more that I believe
that before you would convict yourself
you'd point fingers at the weak.

Does it make you feel tall
to see the humble crawl?
No, mister prideful pastor
you're the one who "dropped the ball."

I prayed to God that moment
I'd be able to forget
I don't see how that's possible
unless we'd never met.

I know of only one way for me to get through
that's by knowing that the God you talk about is bigger than you.

Refined & purified

He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.
Malachi 3:3

This particular verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the women offered to learn about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible Study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining Silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot, and asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time.

The man answered that he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he also had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy...when I can see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and that he will keep watching until He sees His image in you.

(Thanks to Shauna B. for posting this on Facebook!)

What transformation and broccoli have in common

My last post was a lighter look at how I am trying to adjust to my new life, but behind the laughter, it's a bit harder than that. Relocating to a new place after spending 8 years in the same city, at the same school, with the same people, etc. is not a quick and easy transition. I like to think that I've come a long way in terms of being more confident in who I am, but right now it seems like the progress I have made has been ripped to shreds because I can't be fully confident in the midst of the unfamiliar.

Trying to embrace change is like trying to get a kid to eat his vegetables. He and his parents both know that it's good for him, but he is hesitant to give in because he's afraid of how they might taste, or their texture, or a number of other details which, in the long run, don't matter as much as the end result. So forget the details, open wide, and take a bite.

I don't really mind change. Most of the time I welcome it as a healthy means of growth and trusting in God. However, that when there's just one major change. This week it seems like my entire life has been thrown about like a Caesar salad, with carrots, grape tomatoes, artichoke hearts and slices of hard-boiled egg from other salads being tossed in the mix.

Entropy and chaos abound, but despite the extreme changes in the academic, spiritual, social, etc. areas of my life, I know that I can find peace and refuge in the consistency of God. He never changes. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He is the master composer who orchestrates every detail of our lives, so sit back and enjoy the music, whether it's allegro, grave, con fuoco or triste.

Reflections on Philippians 1:27

Let your conduct be worthy of the gospel of Christ.

Seems like a pretty tall order, doesn't it? It should. Living for God requires you to give everything up, but most of us shudder at the very thought of leaving our comfort zones. Still, although it may sound like too much of a sacrifice, words can barely describe what you receive in return.

The goal in living for God is not in the final destination of being exactly like Him (because you can't), but in the journey you take towards it. Let go of what is behind you, strive towards what is ahead, and press on towards the goal of spending eternity in heaven.

Be sure that your external self is consistent with your internal self. Your friends and family may see you as someone whose faith journey is admirable, but don't fool yourself, because you can't fool God. What goes on behind closed doors? How do you act when you're not around your Christian friends? Are the motivations beneath your actions pure? Paul warns us in Luke that there is nothing hidden that will not be revealed, and nothing concealed that will not be shouted from the rooftops. If God took a look at your life today, what would He be shouting about you? Is it something you would want everybody to hear?

When you see a loved brother in Christ hurting himself, do you approach him with love and genuine concern, or do you rebuke him with self-righteousness and ignore the fact that you too are human? Jesus said that we are the light of the world, but I'm going to take that further and assert that we are the light of the Word. People see God through us, and they watch Christians with a critical eye to see if they practice what they preach.

Of course, this is not to say that we won't stumble from time to time. When we do, our friends will lovingly help us to stand up again.

It's a new year. I'm at a new school in a new city with new people. It won't be easy, but I'm going to risk opening myself up to new friendships and try to trust in them no matter how vulnerable I feel. If I end up getting hurt, I guess that will be just another life lesson learned. I won't know until I try. We can't do this God thing alone; we need the support of other people. I'm going to do everything in my power to be that friend and to let the love of Christ be my guiding light.

Psalm 139

I have a homework assignment for my next therapy session, and that is to create a list of 100 positive statements about me. My entire life I have struggled with low self-esteem and constant self-criticism, among other things. I've known this for quite some time, but it wasn't until my therapist led me in a self-exploration exercise today that I realized the extent to which this was affecting my life and stifling the person that God created me to be and that I so long to embrace.

Anyway, here's my list so far:

1. I am intelligent.
2. I make people laugh.
3. I am a good listener.
4. I write music that touches others.
5. I come up with great ideas.
6. I encourage others.
7. I influence people's lives.

It's a start, but I need your help. Perhaps there are things about me that I take for granted but should be on the list. The only way to know this is through feedback from other people. This is not me fishing for a compliment from a complete stranger or feeding my ego; it's real healing. I'll describe the exercise mentioned above in greater detail in a later blog entry, but for now, suffice it to say that it was incredibly powerful. If you know something about me that I should add to the list, please leave a comment or send me an email.

I suppose that the timing of this blog entry is very fitting since Thanksgiving is only days away. There are so many times where I lament what I can't do or what doesn't happen to me, and I am working on embracing a paradigm where I can celebrate and be thankful for what God has blessed me with in life.

Prayer requests

I'm reading prayer requests on the Riverview website and they're making me cry. Part of me wishes I could delete the one I just posted because it pales in comparison to everyone else's.

I should probably add...

...that the overwhelming feelings of despair from my last post came to me about an hour after I got back from the amazing evening of worship at my old church.

Coincidence? I think not.

Fortunately, I was fine after a few hours thanks to friends who reminded me that they love me and that the thoughts in my head were lies from the enemy.

Thanks friends. I love you too.

(Also, Happy Birthday to the incredibly awesome Bob L.)

Blessing is a two-way street.

The difference between how I felt last Monday and how I feel today is inexplicable. Having deep depressions is definitely not fun. At the same time, however, it helps me to appreciate the happier times so much more than everyone else.

So anyway, about the transportation deal. I tried sending a few emails to a few people stating my intentions to try to make things easier on people by basically cutting myself off from every place, person or thing I couldn't get to, including life at Riverview. I was going to find a church that I could just walk to or bus to without much trouble, and at the time I was thinking about this, it didn't matter what flavor or size or demographic it was. God was everywhere, after all, I told myself, and I would just make new friends. It didn't matter that every time I thought about or told someone about my plans I was fighting back tears and that my heart didn't really want to leave.

My idea got shot down. Apparently people won't let me leave. I've been told numerous times in the past week that I am indeed a part of things, that my absence would definitely affect people, and that it's really not a big deal to swing by and pick me up, because they want me to be there. Now that I'm out of my slump, I'm accepting this, but it's surely not easy.

My entire life I've always looked out for and cared about others. I've helped with their homework, played with them at recess, listened to them when they needed someone to talk to, shared my things with them, prayed for them, taught them things, given them so many hugs my arms should have fallen off a long time ago, and the list goes on and on...

It's such a natural part of me to give, and to serve, and to bless, and to love people.

Why, then, is it so darn hard for me to accept that others want to do the same for me?

Is it a pride thing? Do I think that somehow if I ask for help that I'm a weaker person for it? I don't think that's it, because that's the least of my thoughts when I'm on the giving end.

I think it's The Enemy© who wants me to believe that I don't deserve to be blessed, because if I see myself as different and isolate myself, then I would miss out on being blessed, on spending time with other believers, on worshiping, and on hearing the sermons at church.

Maybe I should start thinking that it's God himself who's truly really blessing me, through the actions of the people in my life. If I think of it that way, that I am potentially turning down God's provision of my own accord, then maybe I won't be so hesitant to accept help.

Is any of this making sense? Is there some Bible stuff that can back up these thoughts? I need to head to work, but I wanted you all to know that I'm happy again, and that I'll need help with it, but I'm going to try to get rid of this wall that's keeping me from people showing God's love towards me.

Smells like...Holy Spirit?

At least twice this month I've had conversations with people where we eventually arrived at the topic of spirituality, and when I've mentioned that I attend Riverview, I've gotten the following interesting responses:

• "I could tell."
• "I kind of figured."
• "You seem like the type of person who goes there."

So what gives exactly? Am I emitting Riverviewish vibes? Do I give off some sort of odor reminiscent of my church? Have they been following me around? I don't have any distinguishing marks, as far as I know. Still, they saw my face, and they know I'm a believer. (Gotta have a song quote in here somewhere.)

A old friend of mine likes to say that the best testimony you can ever give someone is your own life. It's encouraging to know that people can see Christ in my actions and words.

I'm a bit curious, however, about how they're identifying me specifically as a Christian who goes to Riverview. What sort of generalizations do people make about our church? Are they postive or negative? What distinguishes us from everyone else? This is probably the highest concentration of rhetorical questions I have ever written in a single blog post. Oh well. Back to homework.

I was going to share this quote with someone too.

Some of you already know that this is one of my favorite verses because it pretty much sums up what I believe to be part of God's plan for my life.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

That's it for quotes today, I promise.

"Honesty" by Pastor Steve Sommerlot

*NOTE FROM MARIE: In yet another attempt to organize my life, I have recently started typing out my sermon notes from church. By doing this, it gives me a chance to look them over, put them in a logical order, and reflect on them. Today I decided to kick it up a notch and bloggify them as well. After all, what blesses, encourages and inspires me may very well do the same for all of you.

What follows is a combination of notes and quotes from the sermon handout and Powerpoint presentation, as well as my personal reflections, which appear as italic passages enclosed by parentheses. By the way, if you're ever in the Lansing area, you may want to check out one of Riverview's weekend services. It's my home away from home up here. Enjoy!

"Honesty"
Pastor Steve Sommerlot
Riverview Church
02.17.07
(Audio | Slides | Program)

Main Points:

• God hates lies because he is truth.
• Dishonesty is promoted in our culture. (Examples: politics, advertising, workplace, school)
• Dishonesty is present in our nature.
• Dishonesty is part of a spiritual battle.
• Dishonesty wounds our souls and destroys souls, and its results linger and haunt us.
• Honesty develops security.
• Honesty develops spiritual maturity.

God's Rewards for Honesty:

• Honesty will guard me. (Proverbs 2:7)
• Honesty will direct me. (Proverbs 11:5)
• Honesty will sustain me. (Proverbs 12:19)

Statistics:
Honesty is the #1 quality parents want in their children.
~Parenting magazine

91% of Americans admit that they lie regularly.
~TV Guide

7 out of 10 business people surveyed said they compromised their values to attain company objectives.
~CareerBuilder.com

20% of workers said they tell lies at the office at least once a week. Reasons for this include the following:

• To appease a customer
• To cover a mistake or missed deadline
• To explain an unexcused absence
• To protect another employee
• To get another employee in trouble

~CareerBuilder.com

In 2003, out of 15,000 students surveyed at 31 colleges & universities, the following admitted to cheating:

• 85% of high schoolers
• 63% of Humanities majors
• 68% of Science majors
• 74% of Engineering majors
• 87% of Business majors

~Journal of Sociology

Quotes:
The average American tells about 200 lies or false excuses every day.
~Jerald Jellison in his book I'm Sorry I Didn't Mean To (And Other Lies We Tell)

It's easier to tell the truth. That way you don't have to keep track of everything.
~Mark Twain

Questions to Evaluate Yourself:
Consider your actual gains & losses.

I. Where?

• Am I honest with myself?
• Am I honest with my spouse, family and friends?
• Am I honest in my studies?
• Am I honest with people at work?

II. How?

• Denial
• Slander (A deceitful misrepresentation of character; often used in gossip)
• Silence (Keeping the truth inside)
• Deceit
• Shading the truth
• Flattery
• Justifying (Rationalizing)
• Covering up
• Denying
• Explaining away
• Cheating

III. Why?

• What am I afraid will be found out about me?
• Am I afraid of what others think of me?
• Do I fear losing my job?
• Am I trying to be someone I'm not?
• (Selfish motives)

Scripture:

(The story of Ananias & Sapphira)
~Acts 5:1-11

He is their shield, protecting those who walk in integrity.
~Proverbs 2:7

The godly are directed by their honesty.
~Proverbs 11:5

Truth stands the test of time, but lies are soon exposed.
~Proverbs 12:19

And remember, it is a message to obey, not just to listen to. If you don't obey, you are only deceiving yourself. For if you just listen and don't obey, it is like looking at your face in a mirror but doing nothing to improve your appearance.
~James 1:22-23

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
~Jeremiah 17:9
(This is why we can't trust our emotions.)

He (Satan)...has always hated the truth. There is no truth in him. When he lies, it is consistent with his character; for he is a liar and the father of lies.
~John 8:44

There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies, and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers.
~Proverbs 6:16-19
(According to the Theological Wordbook of the Old Testament, "Hate expresses an emotional attitude toward persons and things which are opposed, detested, despised and with which one wishes to have no contact or relationship...The hated and hating persons are considered foes or enemies and are considered odious, utterly unappealing.")

Buy the truth and do not sell it...
~Proverbs 23:23

...Sin is pleasurable for a short time...
Hebrews 11:24

Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him, who is the Head, that is, Christ.
~Ephesians 4:15

Doing right brings freedom to honest people, but those who are not trustworthy will be caught by their own desires.
~Proverbs 11:6

Discussion Questions:

Steve shared about stealing a penny from his aunt's dresser as a child.

~Can you share a story from your youth where you were convicted about your dishonesty?

Often, the person we lie to the most is ourself. We also need to realize that dishonesty is part of a spiritual battle.

~Have you ever felt sick as a result of an internal struggle in an area of dishonesty?
~Share how you respond to your tendencies and temptations to be dishonest.
~What are some of the costs we pay in order to be honest?

Steve pointed out that Ephesians is written to us as a community, though we tend to read it as individuals.
~Why is it so hard to be honest with our friends?
~How can we as a community/small group grow in "speaking the truth in love"?