Guarding your heart, Part 3: Discernment & emotional maturity

(A blog post from Stephen C.)

The one justification I have grown the most tired of hearing from people on a regular basis is the “God wants me to” rationale. That's not to say that it is never a good rationale because it 100% can be, it's just that it is the MOST COMMONLY OVERUSED AND MISCONSTRUING WAY OF THINKING THERE IS!
I have never seen anything take people's lives further down the wrong path than misinterpreting God's will for them. Before you get any more upset with me for saying this, let me give you an example:

A girl at my old church was 115 credits into her biology degree. This was June, and she had been planning on taking her final two classes in August. That was until she showed up to bible study with a revelation:

“God wants me to change my major.”

She went on for twenty minutes about how God wanted her to dedicate her life to helping people, so she was now going to pursue a degree in psychology. She said that God had given her a gift in revelation to be able to see her life's path and purpose so clearly, and she was very excited to soon be starting her new curriculum. I asked her at the time why she didn't just finish her degree and take some extra time to think about this decision, but she was completely convinced in her own mind and gave me a long sales pitch about it. This is a very common trait with the “God inspired”...... a complete unwillingness to listen to anyone!!!

So fast forward to December of that year. I hadn't seen her for about six months, and I asked her how her psychology studies were coming along. She replied “Oh, now I'm doing interior decorating!”


It scares me to see how closed-minded people can get when they become convinced they have all of God's answers. They apply this thinking to the most vital issues of their lives. To be honest, I see this trait much more in women than I do in men. They become followers of their feelings, and their feelings become “God's will” for them. The worst part about it is that when you try to help them, they don't respond well. “It's my life, don't tell me how to live it. You're not allowed to question what 'God' wants, Stephen!”
(I think of my ex-girlfriend when I talk about this.)

Being overconfident / over assured about your perspective / beliefs / life decisions is a sign of emotional immaturity, AKA being childish. The people who read this note are mostly somewhere in the transition period between being a child and a 100% independent functioning adult. We all have a tendency to mix adulthood with child-like behavior. The first step in growing is being able to recognize the difference between the two. Adults don't live their lives believing that they know everything.
“Those who acknowledge knowledge acknowledge their own ignorance.”
- Aristotle

I have had five or six people talk with me recently about their dating lives as examples of not knowing where they stand as far as maturity / discernment. Here is my take on that:

The emotionally immature woman is someone who could have the best thing that could ever happen to her standing right in front of her face, and without a moment of thought be able to outright reject it.

She is too busy chasing after the guy in the pink shirt.

Who is the guy in the pink shirt? I made him up, but he is the prototype of what the emotionally immature woman chases after:

The guy in the pink shirt makes a quirky joke in front of the girls while wearing a pink shirt. He loves attention, and he is very entertaining. He is great at always making a joke out of everything, right up until he gets indignant brat anger about something. He wants to have deep discussions, but he tends to be too complacent for them to fully develop. He wants to seem wise and intellectual but is generally too down to earth and too caught up in his OWN reality. He is very energetic and willingly confrontational if need be. He is jealous and territorial due to his insecurity. He claims to put “bros before hos” but would sell out his best friend if it would make the right girl like him more.

He is bold enough to say anything at any time, and that's what you love about him. He always has an air of mystery, but part of that is the reality that he is not man enough to allow you to understand what he is hiding from.

He has no interest in you whatsoever.

He doesn't have enough testosterone or self confidence to be able to love someone or truly appreciate them. His wants to find the meanest girl with the highest social status. If he can make her submit to him, then he has achieved victory. When it's all said and done, the one thing he loves more than anything is flattering himself. When he runs out of mean girl prospects, he resorts to momentary security as a backup plan. He resorts to you.

The sad thing is before I grew up and became a man, I used to be a lot like that guy. I got a lot of girls that way. Now as a man, I simmer in my frustration, and I wait patiently for women to catch up. The problem is right about the time a man grows up and acts like a man (when it's possible), the women have grown into bitterness over the guy in the pink shirt. Even as an adult they still fight the bitterness. In a way, we've both missed the boat.

So let's review....

Step one... women incorporate “God” into their fickle, superficial, and somewhat sadist sex drives.
Step two... they turn down every offer from every guy who is actually worth the investment.
Step three... they chase after the guy in the pink shirt, and if they are lucky enough to snag him, he still inevitably breaks their heart. He leaves you for your best friend and doesn't even feel sorry about it.
Step four... the women get bitter about him.


My conclusion:

I am part of the school of thought that says when you talk about God's will without truly knowing it, you are undermining God, and when you undermine God, that is blasphemy. There is a lot of temptation in the world, and you need to recognize that it wants to disguise itself as God-inspired.

For what it's worth, the best sexual fulfillment comes from someone you are NOT lusting after...... and someone you have NOT put on a pedestal.

For the guys....
Earlier tonight, my buddy was talking about how “beautiful” this girl was. She happened to be very physically attractive, and his case about the rest of her has never been very convincing to me. I told him the greatest gift he could ever give himself is to be able to see someone who is not so pleasing on the outside, recognize her similarities to this other girl, and then see that he could be JUST as attracted to that other woman if he would just let go of insecurity and be a man. When I used to be in the fraternity at MSU, I discovered that it was just as physically gratifying, if not more, to be with a woman who isn't universally sought after because of her outer beauty. Another way of putting it.... everyone looks the same when the lights go out!!! :)

For the ladies...
Marie hooked me up with an excellent book for women about how to do things the right way for yourself.

Check out this chart thingemajingy:

Virtuous Woman:--------------------

------Body Beautiful Woman:

attracts all people.......................only nice when it helps her dating status
seeks God first............................ seeks people first
interesting / has personal goals........“shopping” for a husband
becoming what God wants...............waiting to be found
realistic..................................... lives in a fantasy world
interested in the person................. interested in a future in that person
spiritually challenging......................wants sensuality
gives friendship............................expects friendship
verbally communicating....................wallflower
committed to trusting God................cinging to a guy
open to other friendships.................possessive
secure in the Lord......................... insecure without a “dream man”
builds positive qualities in yourself.......wanting him NOW
trusting in God..............................trusting in schemes to catch a man
patiently waiting............................on the hunt

How are you rating? Are you being honest with yourself??


Gal 5:19-21 Now the works of the flesh are evident: sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

Gal 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Note from Marie: I would have linked to this, but in order to view it, you need a Facebook account, which I know not all of you have.

Another note from Marie: If you're curious, the book is "Lady in Waiting" by Debbie Jones & Jackie Kendall, and it is hands down the best book on Biblical dating & relationships that I have ever read. I would love to lead a small group study on it one of these days. So, in conclusion, read it. It's well worth your time, even if you're not a woman.