Guarding your heart, Part 1: God-centered dating

(A blog post from Stephen C.)

It's interesting how I can go through life constantly calling on God, and occasionally feeling doubts about whether or not he actually gives his blessing over the things I get involved with. Just when I start to give up, he will interject himself into situations in miraculous ways.

It seems like everyone has concerns about God-centered relationships and guarding their heart. It is definitely difficult and it takes a lot of wisdom to handle the situations life is constantly putting before us.

Because of my past experience, I feel that I have some relevant ideas to contribute, even if I don't always live by them. That being said, I do believe that when the time is right, I will be able to do things the right way in my life. I have everyday struggles like anyone else, but I also believe I have wisdom that will allow me to overcome them with God's help.

As far as relationships are concerned, if you are getting emotionally involved with a person who doesn't have God-centeredness as a goal, then you are NOT guarding your heart. That being said, how do you know if someone's approach is God-centered or not?

If you ask anybody what attracts them to a person, you will almost always hear superficial answers. I am attracted to the way he/she looks or acts. When you talk about what makes a good husband/wife, it's mostly about character issues that exist below the surface.

It's important to recognize that being attracted to a person DOESN'T necessarily make it right for you to pursue them.

It's easy to manipulate feelings, and it's easy to manipulate people who are always acting based on them. You want to be in a dating situation where you help each other to grow on a spiritual level. You want to know what kind of character someone has before you get involved with them. It definitely takes a lot of time to get a grip on that. You can't judge someone's character in one day.

I have always said that when you are doing things the wrong way, time seems to always be working against you. Has it been long enough? Is there enough time? When should this happen?

When you are doing things the right way, time becomes your best friend. Everything grows better with time. My best relationships were the kind where fights would help us grow and bring us closer. You will always be learning about your partner right up until the day you die, so make time your ally! Healthy relationships always have a NATURAL progression to them that time and distance shouldn't affect.

I have never felt comfortable with people who say “as a Christian, I am not looking to date someone. I am looking for someone who will be a future marriage partner.” They say that, but then they go around social events looking for people to meet just like any normal dater. The problem with this approach is it is usually too much too soon. It puts too much pressure on people you are interested in. If you are serious about marriage, you need to know someone for a long time as a friend before you can consider skipping the dating phase. If you haven't known someone for years, then just date like a normal person and simply clarify your intention to not be sexual until marriage and that you are not willing to compromise on that. If they really care about you they will respect it. If they are not man/woman enough to handle it, they are not man/woman enough to be a good husband/wife.

It seems intuitive to say that there is some degree of compromise between figuring out what you are looking for (and in the process making mistakes and going through hurt), and maintaining your purity. I don't always agree with this logic because to some degree we are born knowing what we are looking for (even if we don't always listen to it in our hearts) and God's intentions can be made clear if you are being spiritually healthy.

Not only that but also PURITY is something that CAN AND SHOULD be practiced in the process of getting relationship experience by DATING. It just takes two parties who have the same goals and are willing to help each other out.

One more thing....

I read Plato's Love Symposium years ago, and I won't forget my favorite line. Socrates was trying to define what love actually is, and in the process he said that TRUE LOVE IS NOT POSSESSIVE!

That means that when you love someone, you should not feel threatened by other people who take interest. Your main concern should be their happiness. As I said before, if you are meant to be, things should have a natural progression to them, and competition is a healthy thing. Sometimes it can even be beneficial to the process of them being able to CHOOSE you. What does it prove if you don't give them a choice? I used to think I was in love with someone back when I was in high school, and I decided that I was going to wait forever if need be for the right time when I knew it would work out. It took her six months, with one serious relationship ending and two lame ones coming and going for her to stumble over me as the answer. If I hadn't waited, it wouldn't have worked out the way it was meant to.

I guess my final thought is that God gives us the free will to choose how we spend our time and who we spend it with. That being said, I believe he gives us blessings according to following what's right and what is in his favor. We reap the rewards of choosing what lifts him up and we reap the consequences of choosing to follow our own ways.

Don't put your feelings before him or before what you want for your life. Guarding your heart means guarding your integrity. It doesn't mean closing yourself off from people, but it doesn't mean selling out to frustrations. God's love is better than settling for anything else.

2Cor 12:9
He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

extra extra last thought:

EVERYONE DESERVES TO BE LOVED!

Note from Marie: I would have linked to this, but in order to view it, you need a Facebook account, which I know not all of you have.