Guarding your heart, Part 2: Emotional Intelligence

(A blog post from Stephen C.)

This is a follow-up to Steve's last post about God-centered dating. For this one, we actually teamed up and threw some ideas around for several hours, so what follows is the result of our brainstorming and his awesome writing.

"Anyone can become angry - that is easy. But to be angry with the right person, to the right degree, at the right time, and for the right purpose - that is not easy."
-Aristotle

Aristotle's quote is what constitutes emotional intelligence. You can just as easily replace the word "angry" with the word "love" or any other emotion and it will still fit. To me, high emotional intelligence is the most important and attractive quality you can find in another person. I would say faith is number one except to me, it is a part of emotional intelligence. A truly faithful individual knows how to have emotional integrity / intelligence.

If you don't recognize what emotional intelligence has to do with faith, there are a million bible quotes about it. The best one is found in the third chapter of Ecclesiastes.

Ecc 3:1 For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
Ecc 3:2 a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
Ecc 3:3 a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
Ecc 3:4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
Ecc 3:5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
Ecc 3:6 a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
Ecc 3:7 a time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
Ecc 3:8 a time to love, and a time to hate; a time for war, and a time for peace.

and later...

Ecc 3:17 I said in my heart, God will judge the righteous and the wicked, for there is a time for every matter and for every work.

What this is also indirectly saying is that poor timing compromises integrity / God's will. In my experience, for every person who has trouble opening up to people, you will probably find two who have a problem with opening up too soon. Both problems would be considered emotionally unintelligent. The key to a healthy life finding a healthy compromise.

You have to learn how to guard your heart and follow it at the same time!

Even sexually inexperienced people usually have some concept about the destructive power of physicality in relationships. Giving your body up too soon is a perfect way to destroy a healthy relationship. What most people don't see is that being emotionally intimate too soon is equally destructive. Not only does it put an unfair amount of pressure on the other person, but it also severely damages how they will perceive you. It makes you seem needy or less respectable when you take your most valuable emotions and expose them to someone who should not yet have earned your trust. In a way, it makes your emotions seem less valuable, and people will have less respect for you because of it.

On top of that, premature trust is just plain dangerous! As I said in my last note, it takes time to be able to understand a person's character. Would you really want to trust intimate things in your life to a person if they didn't have good character?

My mom once told me, people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. I would add that you should not care too much for people you don't know, because you have to know first that they are going to be worth the emotional investment. It's okay to care, just don't get caught up in caring too much.

So that's one side of the coin, but here's the other side:

Women in our society are raised to think that men want someone who "plays hard to get" and isn't "too accessible." That belief is centered around the idea of guarding your heart, but some women take it too far. For one thing, a reasonable man has to draw the line at some point as to what he is willing to put up with in pursuit of a woman. If you go out of your way to make things unnecessarily difficult, then it's not unreasonable for a man to give up. In a sense, you will be setting yourself up for the guy who comes on super strong and won't take no for an answer. This type of stubborn behavior usually equates with neediness. Most women go through a phase in life where they want a guy who is needy and persistent in this way, but then when they end up with one they realize how awful it is. At first they think it is cute to see a guy jumping through hoops for them, but then they realize that you can just as easily train a monkey to jump through hoops, so it's really not attractive and the man loses their respect. I don't think it's possible to have a good relationship with someone you don't respect. :)

So yeah, you don't want to close yourself off too much, as it will damage your social and spiritual life. If you ask me, it's better for a woman to know what she wants and not be afraid to go after it, just as long as she is not willing to compromise her integrity for it. If you are afraid to go after what you want, or if you don't let ANYBODY in, you will end up missing out on healthy opportunities for your life.

I had one other fun little theory that I have had to argue with numerous people in the past. That's why I saved it 'til the end. :)

Here it is:

YOU CAN'T TRULY LOVE SOMEONE ELSE WITH ALL OF YOUR HEART UNTIL YOU CAN LOVE/ACCEPT YOURSELF.

The reason behind this is that when the other person needs you, you won't be fully emotionally available to them. You will always be somehow caught up in your own issues if you don't love yourself, and the rationale behind your actions will not always be fair in respect to the other person. In order to have integrity you must also have humility. In order to have humility you must have some degree of self-acceptance. People who don't value themselves will manifest it as a mix between obvious self-hatred and the occasional attempt at fake narcissistic behavior. Insecure people love to try to reassure everyone about how secure they are and how they've got everything figured out.

In a way, the core of all loving relationships is just positivity. Love God with all of your heart and don't run away from the people you have a comfortable passion for. When it comes time to pick a husband or wife, be sure you pick someone who is a friend in addition to being a lover. Find someone who appreciates the unique things about you and who lifts you up and makes you be a better person. Find someone who makes you feel happy. Don't worry about playing games with them. If it's meant to be it should work out naturally!

Be sure you find someone who lives a life of faith and is emotionally intelligent. Then have an approach that since time is on your side, there is never a need to rush things. If you need a reminder about that, read my last note. There will be a time and place for everything you will share together, so be patient and remember Ecclesiastes!!!! :)

Thanks for reading!

Note from Marie: I would have linked to this, but in order to view it, you need a Facebook account, which I know not all of you have.